


The feeling of something real, the feeling of you

by Alwaysevak2121



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Bipolar Disorder, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, M/M, Tenderness, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-24 08:59:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17097662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alwaysevak2121/pseuds/Alwaysevak2121
Summary: “Well, this is kind of my bench”, Even says a bit teasingly and the boy looks at his hands again before he huffs: “Yours, huh?” Even can see a tiny smile appearing and it makes him smile a little too, not a forced one for a change and so he continues: “Yeah mine, but luckily I'm kind enough to share”.Another universe. They meet and fall in love, they always do.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nessauepa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessauepa/gifts).



> Wishing lovely winter days to everyone :)
> 
> For nessauepa: Thank you <3 You are gold. 
> 
>  
> 
> I must say I'm not valid to describe bipolar disorder so I hope mentions of it are not disrespectful.

January is turning into February, it's freezing and so late that the night is quiet, the silence being only broken by the sound of the snow crunching under his shoes. Even walks slowly, his mind just concentrating on walking, proceeding, just gathering his thoughts for each step he takes. He just needs to have this, needs to get to the bench, his bench. Well, technically it's not his, but at nights there's no one else claiming it and it's a spot where he is allowed to just breathe and exist. 

Finally he reaches the park only to realize there's someone else sitting on his bench. Even stops and almost turns around but something about the way the other person sits there catches his attention. Head down, shoulders slumped like trying to look as invisible as possible, hiding from the world and isn't that achingly close what he has been feeling these last weeks. If the world was a painting it feels like all the colours would have been robbed leaving just a grey mess of numbness behind. He sighs and takes in the lonely figure again.

Maybe Even is just reading too much about that, maybe that person just happened to walk through the park and stopped to have a break.  
Either way his feet take him closer and he stops just before the bench. There’s a boy with a blue beanie looking at his hands silently, lashes almost frozen on his cheeks. 

Even takes a few steps closer and the boy lifts his eyes a bit startled and looks towards him quickly before looking down again coughing and wiping his eyes rapidly while Even looks away for a moment before he asks carefully: “Do you mind if I sit down too?” The boy looks around seeing many empty benches in the park and then looks at him a question in his eyes. 

“Well, this is kind of my bench”, Even says a bit teasingly and the boy looks at his hands again before he huffs: “Yours, huh?” Even can see a tiny smile appearing and it makes him smile a little too, not a forced one for a change and so he continues: “Yeah mine, but luckily I'm kind enough to share”. The boy laughs a little and Even can almost feel that laugh in his stomach, warm and settling. He stops to take in that feeling, it's a bit overwhelming after weeks of numbness. 

The boy moves a bit, making room for him on the bench and he takes that as a permission to sit down. Even can't help glancing him and notices that the blue beanie doesn't cover his hair fully. There are blond curls sticking out a bit frosted but the light of the lamp-post gives them a golden shine, it's like a little glimpse of sunshine would have found its way into the middle of this winter night. 

The boy coughs a little and keeps looking at his hands before saying: “Do you ever long for feeling something, just something not fake but still somehow good. Not numbness but something real. I just wish to feel something real without feeling like shit”. Even is stunned, he can't help thinking how this boy is speaking exactly the same language as his soul. 

The boy blushes and says quietly like just to himself: “Stupid”. That rips Even out of his thoughts and he rushes to say gently: “It's not stupid”. The boy lifts his eyes looking at him and Even takes in that green in his eyes, their colour highlighted by that pink blush on his cheeks. The boy doesn't avert his eyes when Even says: “I know that feeling too.” The boy blinks and seems to be considering Even’s answer before he nods and looks at his hands again. 

They sit quietly for a while but somehow this shared silence is more calm than anything else. Like the presence of someone whose thoughts are taking the same paths helps feeling less alone in your head. It's not that Even doesn't have people around him but sometimes it just makes him feel more alone when he doesn't want to make them worry. At this moment he feels calm and almost free, free to feel.

It's so cold you can see your breath and Even gives a glance at the boy and finds him looking back at him. They share a little smile and then the boy stands up and says: “Fuck, it's so cold I can't feel my toes anymore. Thanks for sharing your bench.” Even can’t help smiling as he stands up as well and says: “It's a pretty good bench.” The boy huffs and nods before he starts to walk away slowly and says: “Good night then.”

Even echoes it and when the boy walks further he can't help shouting after him: “I'm Even.” The boy stops and turns to look at him smiling and shouts simply: “Isak”, before walking out of his sight. Even mouths his name, Isak, and smiles when he realises how many colours he saw just this night. 

 

Even thinks about Isak during the next day and when the evening starts to turn into a night his feet are taking him to that park again. His heart jumps for an excitement when he sees now that familiar figure already there, Isak. He smiles when he says: “That good of a bench, huh?” Isak's smile is weak when he nods for a greeting. When Even hesitates a bit Isak makes room for him again and Even reads that as a request for a company. 

Isak looks at him carefully before he says quietly: “Do you ever feel like a knot, willing to be untied but it's such a mess the answer feels unreachable?” Even gasps at that, how does this boy find just the right words to reach his core, all heart and soul. 

Isak keeps looking at him with brave yet vulnerable eyes. Even looks back and nods and Isak lets his gaze wander to his hands again before he says: “Things are a bit messed up at home so I would like to at least feel like home as being me”. Even takes him in while he talks, every tone and emotion, every little shift of his expressions. That pout of his lips, his tongue wetting them between words and he wonders how does every detail paint his words as a hope for something better. And it makes him want to be in that painting too, to find the feeling of something real.

Isak huffs but his voice has a sad tone when he says: “I wish I was brave, maybe in some parallel universe I know just the right routes to take without walking lost in these circles of fakeness.” Even’s answer is immediate: “You are brave.” Suddenly he is met by the green meadow of Isak's eyes and it makes him lost his words for a moment before he continues keeping his eyes on Isak's: “It’s so brave of you to really look inside of your thoughts, to acknowledge what you are willing to feel or be. That itself sounds a lot like a route of bravery and realness to me.” 

Isak’s intense gaze is unreadable before his lips curve into a smile so bright it makes his dimples appear and his eyes shine turning the green in them even greener if possible. Even can feel that smile in his heart as an ache so sweet he presses his hand on his chest unconsciously. Like checking if he could feel that awoken longing through his skin and bone and the fabric of his jacket. 

Oblivious to Even's reaction Isak huffs: “You are quite good with words.” Even all but huffs back: ”You are one to talk.” They sit in silence for a moment, sharing glances and smiles once in a while before it starts to become too cold to stay still. “We'd better get going before catching a cold”, Isak says with a voice hint of a reluctance in it. The word ‘we’ echoes in Even's eardrums when he stands up after Isak and they start to walk side by side until Isak stops at the crossroad and says: “I'm going that way.” 

Even realises they have to part and he looks at the ground for a second before Isak says a smile in his voice: “Thanks for sharing your bench again, I must admit I'm starting to become attached to it.” Even lifts his eyes to find Isak’s already looking at him and answers honestly: “Anytime.” 

 

The next couple of days Even spends in his bed, under the duvet due to a fucking flu. He thinks about Isak and the fact he was so stupid he didn't have the courage to ask his number or even his full name. Mostly he wonders if he’s doing okay, hopes that he's doing okay. 

After finding his way back to the land of the living he decides to go to their bench but there's no Isak to be found, not tonight, tomorrow or the day after that, only the longing stays. He has to concentrate on school the next days but Isak never leaves his mind, he misses the green of his eyes and the sound of his laughter but mostly he misses the way it felt just to be with him, breathe and be. 

Even finds himself sitting on their bench on his birthday night. He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't notice Isak before he hears him saying: “Hi stranger.” Even takes him in, Isak looks a bit breathless with flushed cheeks as if he had been rushing to get there. He watches Isak opening his backpack and taking a thermos bottle out of it and he is smiling when he says: “I brought hot chocolate, thought I should probably pay some rent for borrowing your bench.” 

Even is overwhelmed. Isak happened to show up on his birthday and with hot chocolate for fucks sake. He almost looks away in order to hide his eyes, he knows they are saying too much at the moment but something about the way Isak is looking at him makes him want to be seen, truly seen. So as scary as it is he doesn't avert his eyes under Isak's careful look. 

Isak keeps looking at him and there’s something soft in his eyes for a moment before he tilts his head and asks smiling: “Care for having some company?” Even nods and Isak sits beside him and while he is opening the bottle Even just blurts out what he was thinking earlier: “Sometimes I'm so lost in my thoughts that the idea of those parallel universes existing makes me scared. Like then there are infinite amount of thoughts to get lost in, and my head is struggling with just this one sometimes .” 

Even glances Isak quickly and sees him looking at him carefully and biting his lip like he is really thinking what Even just said. “I think", Isak starts to say but Even interrupts him by saying quietly with his next exhale: “I'm bipolar.” Isak does not avert his eyes and simply states: “Okay.” Even can't help repeating his words in a form of a question: “Okay?” Isak seems to be looking for words for a moment before he says: “Okay. I must admit I don't know that much about it but if you ever feel like talking about it I’d like to hear.” 

Even exhales shakily and looks at his hands when Isak continues: “Wanna know how I see you in those universes?” Even huffs: “As a mess?” He gasps when he feels and sees Isak's hand on his and hears him saying: “As Even. You are Even in every universe and you are allowed to feel what you feel. “

Isak’s words again, always reaching his most hidden parts and those particular words couldn't be more right, more comforting. Even closes his eyes overwhelmed, the feelings are trying to find an outlet through his eyes. He can’t prevent a few tears falling but then he feels a gentle, barely there, squeeze of Isak's hand on his and it's just enough to help him connect to himself again. He asks seeking a playful voice: “Did you mention something about hot chocolate, or were those empty words?” 

Isak is immediately on board with the subject change and huffs: “Demanding much?”, but pours some for him before his eyes go wide and he says: “Shit, I didn't bring another mug, just this with the bottle.” Even can’t help smiling when he answers: “It's okay, I'm good at sharing stuff.” Isak looks at him smiling when he gives him the mug: “True that.” 

Even takes in the sweet, warm taste of the cocoa and hums pleased: “Good, this is nice.” He takes another sip before passing the mug carefully back to Isak who doesn't hesitate to bring that mug to his lips. Even has to talk himself out of the thought that their lips have a connection now through that mug but he keeps giving glances at Isak. That sight of him is adorable, the tip of his nose and his cheeks pink in the cold weather and now he has some hot chocolate on the corner of his mouth making him look even cuter if possible. 

Isak notices him looking and says: “What?” Even can’t help laughing for Isak's expression and when Isak turns to look a bit grumpier Even laughs a little more because it's too adorable. He manages to point at his mouth and says: “You've got some cocoa on your face.” Isak starts wiping his mouth rapidly missing the spot and when Even keeps laughing Isak retorts: “It's not that funny, is it gone?” Even doesn’t think before he reaches for him and wipes the corner of his lips gently with his fingertips. He pulls back slowly after realising what he just did and coughs: “It's gone now.”

The pink on Isak's cheeks turns redder and Even touches his own mouth unconsciously with those fingertips which just brushed Isak's. Isak gives him the mug again and they keep drinking the cocoa until Isak laughs: “My stomach is warm but otherwise I'm freezing.” They stand up together and start to walk towards that crossroad which makes them part. Even looks at Isak smiling and says: “Thanks for the cocoa, it made my birthday.” 

Suddenly he is enveloped by Isak’s tight hug and he says: “Happy birthday Even.” It’s a real hug, Isak’s arms wrapped around him squeezing him closer. Even lifts his own arms around Isak and manages to whisper: “Thank you.” And he really means it. When they finally pull apart Isak says: “Give me your phone, I'll save my number there.” Then he blushes and continues: “I mean just if you're up to it.” Even quickly gives his phone to him and Isak smiles when he gives it back after typing his number on it. Even smiles back and says: “See you around.” Isak nods and starts to walk away. 

Even can still feel that hug in his bones, warming and settling and he quickly sends Isak a message: 

‘Thanks for sharing your cocoa’

He sees Isak stopping and reaching for his phone. He turns to look at Even and he hears his phone binging for Isak's answer:

‘Anytime’

He smiles and waves to Isak who waves back before starting to walk again. Even's stomach feels warm due to all hot chocolate but his heart feels even warmer. 

 

They keep texting daily after that and one day Even realises that when something good or exciting or funny happens, Isak is the first one he wants to share it with. Same goes for grayer days, it's Isak who he mostly reaches for. And the thing is that Isak shares his good and not that good days with him too. They call sometimes and talk about their days, dreams and fears until they are so sleepy their answers start to become slower and they drift off to sleep. 

One night a few weeks later Isak texts him he's heading to their bench. Even smiles to his phone before grabbing his jacket and beanie with him when he rushes to get to see Isak. Then he stops to think for a second, what if something is wrong, is he okay? Even all but runs to the park. 

He sees Isak already there, he's standing in front of their bench and when he notices Even he smiles. Even can’t stop looking at him, at first to make sure he is alright and then because he is just so beautiful. Isak looks back at him still smiling, his eyes bright green under the lamp-post. He is wearing his blue beanie and a red scarf and he looks so soft Even just melts right then and there. 

“Hi”, Isak says, sits down and Even follows eyes never leaving him when he answers as simply: “Hi.” Even can't help wondering what's on Isak's mind but he knows Isak will tell him when he’s ready so he just gives him a careful look trying to tell with his eyes that whatever it is he’s right here to listen.

Isak looks him right in the eyes when he says: “So, my friends are giving me so much shit nowadays.” Those words would make Even anxious but Isak is smiling when he continues: “I have this crush that makes me, quoting them, smile and give heart eyes to my phone all the time.” Even’s heart starts beating faster, is he really hearing those words right? Isak’s look is determined and his smile all bright but Even notices his hands are trembling in his lap. This boy, this beautiful, brave, brave boy.

Even reaches his hands and takes them in his own squeezing them gently when he asks all beaming: “A crush?” Isak beams back when he continues laughter in his voice: “Yeah, a crush who is kind enough to share the best bench in Oslo.” “The best, huh?” Even teases and Isak just nods smiling: “The absolute best.” 

Even wants to say so many things, things like when he's with Isak he can just forget the world around them or that listening Isak's voice before going to sleep makes him wake up in the morning a smile already on his face. What he manages to say out loud is: “I really, really like your smile.” Isak blushes but keeps smiling and Even lifts his hand, brushing those dimples gently because now he knows he can.

Isak leans into his touch his eyes all soft and hooded before he glances Even’s lips and licks his own. That sight makes Even lift his other hand too, to really caress Isak's face and when Isak tilts his chin up Even moves closer, so close they are almost breathing into each other’s mouths through their parted lips. Then Isak’s lips are brushing his with the softest of touch and Even lets his lips part in order to take Isak's upper lip between his. Isak whimpers, or maybe it's him when Isak wraps his arms around his neck and grabs his hair gently between his fingers while deepening the kiss. 

They keep kissing and Even pecks the corner of Isak's mouth making him smile into the next kiss. Isak pulls back just a little with a smile so bright Even is stunned. Isak brushes his nose against Even's and giggles and Even can't help kissing him once again. They just sit there talking and laughing, stealing kisses and caresses more often than not. 

Even laughs when the first wet snowflake falls on to Isak's nose and soon they are getting all soaked when it starts fully sleeting. They stand up but Even really doesn't want to let go of Isak, not now, not yet. But it's okay because Isak reaches for his hand and Even knows he's fully beaming when Isak laces their fingers and his hold is gentle yet firm.

Even stops walking when they reach the crossroad and he’s suddenly feeling a bit shy when he asks: “Wanna come over to mine, I could make some hot chocolate?” Isak smiles and nods but instead of starting to walk, he lifts his hands to cradle Even's face. Even can't help gasping for the soft touch and even softer look in Isak’s eyes before he hears him saying: “You are that feeling, the feeling of something real yet so beautiful.” Even has to kiss him, to show him he feels it too. They are kissing and it's a painting with all the colours in a palette and more. And it's real.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the next Christmas Eve...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff. Just because <3

Even is looking all fondly at his boyfriend who is currently lying on their bed wrapped up under the blanket only his face peeking out. “Isak, come on, let's go out just for a moment, yeah?” Even tries to persuade him with a pleading voice. Isak huffs under the blanket and says: “Baby, have you checked out how fucking cold it is outside, come here with me instead.”

That’s such an offer it's almost impossible to say no to but Even is on a mission now. He crawls under the blanket too and looks at Isak with pleading eyes, with all the puppy vibes possible and says: “Please baby.” Isak huffs: “You are really playing dirty now.” Then he stands up after kissing Even's nose and continues: “It's your fault then if I'm freezing my ass off.” Even can't help answering: “I promise to kiss it better.”

Isak rolls his eyes but it's all fond, and being the receiving end of that particular gesture of love makes him repeat in his mind ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, my baby’.

He follows Isak to their kitchen and sees him taking that thermos bottle out of the cupboard. Isak looks at it smiling and says: “One mug is enough, right?” Isak lifts his eyes and looks at him with the softest of eyes and Even cannot help letting out a whimper when he reaches for Isak pulling him into a bruising embrace. Isak puts the bottle on the counter and squeezes him just as tight, making that perfect humming sound on his neck while lifting his other hand to caress his hair. 

Even mumbles onto his skin: “Staying in is starting to sound like a very intriguing option.” Isak pulls back a little and smiles: “No way, we are going now.” Then he kisses Even, his lips on his for a sweet moment before he starts to make that cocoa and Even watches him, admires him and gets such perfect blushes back when Isak notices his lingering looks. 

In their hallway Even takes Isak's blue beanie and puts it gently onto his hair kissing the tip of his nose in the progress. Isak smiles and asks: “Do you have the keys?” Even taps his pockets and finds them empty. Fuck. He finds them on the kitchen counter and huffs: “Found them baby, you are too distracting.” Isak all but huffs back: “What are you implying? Keys getting lost is now my fault?” Even grabs Isak's collar and pulls him into a kiss and says: “One glance at you and you are all I can think about.”

He earns another eye roll from Isak and it makes him smile but eventually Isak huffs: “Come on, weren't we going somewhere?” Even takes his hand answering: “Yeah, let's go, it's starting to get late.” 

It’s Christmas Eve, almost midnight and they are walking side by side, hand in hand and Even loves the sound of their steps in the snow, together. It's just like Isak said, fucking cold, but when it's shared with the love of your life it's hard to complain about it. They stop at that crossroad that used to take them to the different directions and Isak squeezes his hand tighter like he's having the same thoughts.

They are standing there a while, watching their bench, seeing themself sitting there, first alone, then together. Even remembers the longing when he thought he wouldn't see Isak again and that birthday night when he truly let Isak see him and how it felt like to be seen. He smiles for that memory, cocoa on Isak's face and that warm feeling that filled him and which has been with him ever since. 

Isak looks at him with tender eyes and says: “I can't believe how much I owe to that bench. I'm so lucky I happened to come here and you found me, the real me that needed to be found.” Even looks at his miracle and says: “Babe, I'm the lucky one here.” Isak tilts his chin up and Even leans into a kiss caressing his cheeks with his woollen mittens until Isak giggles: “Your mittens are tickling me.” Even smiles into the next kiss before pulling back and saying: “Shall we?” Isak nods and they walk to their bench. 

They just sit there, as close to each other as possible, passing the mug until their stomachs are full with the warm sweetness. Isak laughs and says: “You have some of it on your nose.” Even smiles and says: “I don't mind.” Isak huffs before leaning closer and brushing it gently away. He even kisses Even’s nose and says: “It's gone now.” 

It's starting to get even colder and Even says: “Wanna go home?” Isak puts his head on his shoulder and whispers: “Yeah, but can we stay just for a little moment.” Even can't help thinking that he would happily spend his forever here, if it's with Isak. He kisses the top of Isak's head and says: “Of course baby.” Isak snuggles even closer and says: “Merry Christmas baby.” Even brushes his nose against Isak's temple, breathes him in and echoes: “Merry Christmas baby. “


End file.
